Cupcake cabernet, chilled.
“M” Monogrammed mug, old and chipped.
This child is living a new life, in a new city where all but 4 months ago, the new city’s residents were complete strangers I never dreamt of knowing. I’m in a new, exciting world.
Don’t cry, but—you’re nowhere in it.
And I could give two shits, because I found love.
Not “love” as in Valentine’s Day BS love. Just love. In me, for other people. Which I never thought was possible.So here’s to me, over wasting years pining for something I too good to have in the first place.
On to a less cryptic note:
This weekend, my life changed. I fell in love with a boy. A 7 lb, 52 cm boy. My best friend, the most awesomest, badassedest biffle, Anna, had Max Grim at 2:20 am Sunday morning. On a date, I got a message from Anna’s hubs. “Baby time dude.” Maybe it was the half bottle of cab, but I shot up and said “I have to go. I’m having- she’s having, we, the baby. I’ve gotta go.” It was 10:30pm and I could give two shits. My best friend needs me? Get the fuck outta my way!
I drove down to St. Louis Saturday night to be there for her when the little one was born. Sadly, I was two hours late because Anna apparently kicks major ass in labor. 20 pushes and that kid was out like Clay Aiken is outta the closet. Sure, I was bummed to miss seeing his face, missing the moment she held him for the first time. But as we waited to see her son again for what would be the second time in her life, Anna and I hung out. Her hubs, Lucas, (who, btw, is an incredible human being I’ve learned the past few days) was passed out on the Dad chair after all that excitement. We had the stark walls of the hospital room and uncomfortable furniture to ourselves. So, we watched TBS in the half lit room and just sat. She needed that… me. After all the craziness of her day, what better than to have a biff at your side, watching “Saved By the Bell” at 5 in the morning? At least, I like to think she needed that.
I can’t being to express how life-changing this weekend was for all of us (me, not as much, I know, trust. I only clean up after Cosmo’s poop). How fantastic it all was. How much love I feel for Anna, Lucas and little Max. How real their lives are now as a family. How beautifully shit-pants terrifying it is to bring a real-live-pant-shitting baby into this world.
Being back in Cincinnati, it’s hard. I want to be there for her; to let her know she’s okay, to give her a break every once in a while, to let her know she is the most beautiful, kind, and smart momma in the world, and to give her a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Most of all, I want her kid to know how fucking awesome his momma is one day. I want to alwasy be in their lives. Always. Even if that means taking a 6 hour drive overnight to see my bestie. That’s what I’ll do.
If you ever stumble upon this, Anna, I hope you knew all of this without even finishing the last half of this post. You are my best fran, lady. Thank you for being one.
The president of our company just quoted Louisa May Alcott, after dropping a few F-bombs. She’s also a spunky, petite ginger. I think she may be my new hero.
I find no shame in being single. I find shame in being ashamed of saying I’m single.
When you’re trying to make it on your own, it seems the entire rest of the world and their mother has someone. I know half of those relationships are futureless, toxic, even. But everybody’s got somebody.
I’m sure I could take the leap and fall into a dead-end relationship. But I keep asking myself, why push it? This is a pivotal moment in my life- either I make it on my own, or I fall into a loveless routine of self deprecation.
But this living on my own thing… It’s great. For the first time in my life- I make my own rules. I eat dessert for breakfast and dinner for dessert. Adhere to a false sense of contentment… thinking I’m not stuck. Jeff Buckley plays through my head. “Too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run.”
(This was written the day I first interviewed with Possible back in July. It feels so surreal to me now. I’m not sure how I even functioned at that moment in my life. All I know is, I don’t regret anything. I’m anything but stuck.)
Must be that I get it from my mama. Digging the new blog, brudder!
Maybe I’m jumping the gun, but I’m already in love with the new year. Hope you all are, too.
And remember: resolutions are just goals destined to change by February. Don’t be so hard on yourself this year. Just be good to you.